


five steps of falling (in love with you)

by solkatt (5sosninja)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1, Crack, Emotional Constipation, M/M, as usual i had no idea what i was doing writing this, five stages of grief except it's falling in love instead, he suffers a lot in this, low quality but Whatever, poor changbin, tbh mostly just me projecting, the rest are mentioned - Freeform, what do i even classify this as, yeah let's go with crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:40:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5sosninja/pseuds/solkatt
Summary: In which Changbin has a hard time accepting the fact that he has feelings





	five steps of falling (in love with you)

**Author's Note:**

> we as a fandom need to give this ship more love

**1: Denial**

Seo Changbin did _not_ have feelings for Han Jisung. Nuh-uh, no way. Not possible. Never in a million years. He didn’t like the other’s squeezable, puffy cheeks or big, sparkly eyes. He really didn’t like his bright smiles or sunshiney demeanour. He most definitely did not like his kindness, his ability to comfort others, or the fact that he was notoriously optimistic, always seeing the best in every situation. Changbin’s cheeks didn’t flush when Jisung smiled at him or laughed at something he said. His heart didn’t skip a beat when he put a hand on his shoulder, brushed against his side, leaned in close, or brought him in for a hug. He didn’t have a swarm of butterflies fluttering around in his stomach whenever he saw his friend furrow his eyebrows in concentration as he was working on new lyrics, or whenever he got to hear him sing. He didn’t get goosebumps from seeing him looking so confident and professional on the stage to then feel warm all over as soon as they got off and he was back to his bright, energetic, clumsy self. His heart didn’t break into a million tiny pieces at the rare occasion that his teammate cried, whether it be from exhaustion, frustration, or pure sadness. Han Jisung did not make Seo Changbin feel things. Changbin didn’t have a big, fat crush on him. He didn’t.

 

**2: Anger**

When Changbin woke up in the morning, he had grand plans for the day. Despite having set an alarm for 6:30am, he got out of bed feeling refreshed and ready to spend the day at the studio. He went to sleep the night before with a tune swirling around in his head and ideas for lyrics kept popping up along with it. As soon as he had finished his morning routine and made himself some breakfast, he headed out for the studio along with Chan and Jisung. Changbin was determined to make this a good and productive day making new music with 3racha, and it would’ve been, if not for one tiny little inconvenience. 

As much as Jisung was a great friend and colleague, he sure knew how to distract Changbin from his work. He had barely opened a new page of his notebook to start writing down the lyrics that had been on his mind since last night before he started getting distracted. The theme he had originally been aiming for was dark, almost creepy, even, but instead of words about not knowing the way out of the maze that was his mind or constantly having a demon wandering by his side, but his mind had drifted and when he realised what he was doing, he found himself having written about smiles brighter than the sun and eyes that held entire galaxies. Upon realising his mistake, Changbin felt a rush of frustration course through him, but he tried his best to hide it from Chan and Jisung, and put away his notebook in favour of pulling out his laptop instead. Maybe putting together the melody that had been stuck in his head for a while now would come easier to him than writing the lyrics. 

As he opened his music editing programme and was just about to figure out which sound effect would be most suitable for the tune he was going for, he got interrupted by a soft humming coming from a corner of the studio. The tune was sweet and sentimental, and it reminded him of cotton candy and summer rain. It brought back some of his fondest memories, and once again he was distracted from his work. Even more frustrated than before, he looked around the room to see where the tune was coming from, and his eyes eventually landed on Jisung. Of course it was Jisung that had interrupted him, and he even had the nerve to look really pleased with himself as he jotted down notes for the melody he had just come up with. Although they had barely been in the studio for an hour at that point, Changbin felt that he needed to take a break. With that, he slowly got out of his seat and tried to sneak out of the room as quietly as possible, so as to not disturb Chan. Jisung, however, could choke for all he cared. He didn’t quite succeed, as Chan raised a questioning eyebrow at him when he opened the door, but he paid him no mind and continued on without giving any sort of answer. 

For being such a big building, the JYP headquarter sure was lacking in windows that could actually be opened. It took Changbin fifteen whole minutes to find one, and while that normally wouldn’t have bothered him, today it did. Absolutely nothing was going his way today, and when he reached the window, he yanked it up and just, screamed. Screamed because stupid Jisung was bothersome and too damn energetic and didn’t know how to be quiet and sit still and- and he was so very _precious_ and _cute_ and sunshine and rainbows and all things good in the world. Changbin was a goner, and he loathed it. 

 

**3: Bargaining**

But what if he didn’t actually have a crush on Jisung, though? Maybe this was just momentary emotional confusion. Perhaps this was simply how having a best friend was supposed to feel like. Maybe it was normal to have your heart speed up around them and constantly crave their attention and physical affection. Didn’t everyone want to write sickeningly sweet poems about their best friend’s hugs or sparkly eyes or comforting scent? Changbin wouldn’t know, but he planned on finding out. It was just a matter of how. 

Being rather inexperienced in this whole “crushes” and “feelings” business, Changbin decided to first consult a highly trusted friend of his: the internet. The world wide web had answers for mostly everything, so surely it would be able to help him out with this little issue as well. And so he fished his phone out of his pocket turned to the holy search engine and asked questions of utmost importance, such as “what does a crush feel like” and “how do i know if i like someone.” However, every single link he clicked on in the results lead to articles describing crushes as pretty much exactly what he was currently feeling for Jisung. He decided that the internet could be wrong sometimes, and with that he put his phone back down in his pocket and wondered if maybe he should talk to some friends instead. Perhaps some of his own group members had experience when it came to this kind of situation. Who would it be safest to ask, though? 

Jisung was excluded from Changbin’s list of People to Possibly Ask immediately, for obvious reasons. One does not simply talk to their potential crush about maybe liking them, best friends or not. Jeongin and Woojin were crossed off pretty quickly as well. Jeongin because no, just no. It felt entirely wrong to talk about feelings with their youngest. Despite only being a couple of months younger than Seungmin, Felix and Jisung, the gap felt larger than that. Woojin because, well… let’s say the eldest wasn’t always the best at this kind of talk, so Changbin decided it would be best to spare him. Chan would’ve been the ideal person to talk to, but he was busy as ever and didn’t need someone else’s problems on top of his own. Minho… no. Too risky. Last time he had come to Minho with a problem, the other had offered some rather… unique, solutions, and he wasn’t quite ready to go down that path again. This left him with Hyunjin, Felix and Seungmin as his safest options, and with this he realised that he was actually screwed. Asking the ‘00 line for help with anything, no matter how complex or simple, always had a 50/50 chance of either working out great or going astronomically, catastrophically wrong. But these were also people who were almost just as close with Jisung as he himself was, so they would likely both know whatever these feelings actually were, as well as help him approach Jisung about it when the time was right. The four members that were born in 2000 did have a habit of telling each other anything and everything, though, so there was still the risk that Jisung would catch wind of this issue, so in the end, Changbin decided it would probably be the best if he only chose one of them to talk to. Eenie meenie miney mo- Hyunjin. Yeah, talking to Hyunjin was probably the safest option.

Hyunjin was a reasonable human being, most of the time. He was also the member closest to Changbin’s age, and probably the one he trusted the most aside from Chan and Jisung. He could likely give some good answers. So he knocked on the door of the room Hyunjin shared with Jeongin, and hoped the youngest wouldn’t be in there. He heard feet shuffling behind the door, and it opened with a soft click. Hyunjin peeked out from behind it, and a small smile appeared on his face when he saw who it was that had knocked. 

“Oh hey, hyung. What’s up?” Hyunjin asked. 

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Alone? It’s… kind of embarrassing,” Changbin said, rubbing the nape of his neck in discomfort. Deep talks weren’t really his thing. 

“Yeah, sure, come in,” Hyunjin replied, and they both moved inside the room to go sit down on his bed. They somehow ended up in a weird, impromptu staring contest as he patiently waited for Changbin to open up on his own, before he eventually realised that he absolutely would not say what was on his mind without some prompting. 

“Hyung. You came here to talk. You’re not doing any talking,” he deadpanned. This had Changbin taking a deep breath and a quick moment to gather himself before he spoke.

“So, uh… lately, I’ve been having these… feelings,” he started, but soon got interrupted by a loud gasp.

“Are my ears defying me? Have we entered an alternative timeline? Seo Changbin has feelings?!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, shut up and let me talk,” he hissed. Hyunjin giggled a bit, but managed to collect himself again pretty quickly.  
“Sorry, hyung, continue,” he said, smile still present on his face. Changbin sighed and did as he was told, 

“I-I’m just… Hyunjin, what does a crush feel like?” Hyunjin was confused for a moment, he definitely didn’t expect this kind of question from the older. He was about to make a joke about it, but the look in Changbin’s eyes told him that now wasn’t the best moment for jokes. He pondered over what to answer for a short while before giving his reply. 

“Well, I believe it would feel different from person to person. I don’t think there’s one universal way to experience a crush, but for me it’s usually a lot like this: I get this fluttering feeling in my heart when I’m around them, talking to them, texting them, or even just thinking about them. When we’re close I feel this energy between us that I don’t feel around anyone else, and I always want to be touching them, I always want their attention. Y’know, all the cliché romance movie stuff.”

“Damn, Hyunjin, I never knew you were such a romantic,” Changbin joked, now that he had the upper hand for a moment. This caused Hyunjin to blush and whine in protest, but Changbin continued. “You sound like you’ve had a lot of crushes. Anyone on your mind right now?” He inquired. Hyunjin blushed even harder and looked down on the floor in an unsuccessful attempt to cover up his embarrassment.

“Yeah, I guess I have. I do develop feelings for others pretty easily, after all. As for right now, you don’t need to know that. But you, have you made up your mind about whoever’s got your mind frazzled enough to seek me out for help?”

Changbin thought over his situation carefully. Did Jisung give him a fluttery feeling in his heart? Yes. Did he feel this weird energy between them? Also yes. Did he always want to have his attention, always be touching him, always see him smile, always protect him from all things bad in this world? Yes, yes, yes and yes. He was an utter fool for Han Jisung, and that wasn’t something he could argue with any longer. 

“Yeah, I believe I do have feelings for him,” he concluded. 

“Ooh, it’s a boy? Can I know who it is?” Hyunjin asked excitedly. Changbin thought it over for a second. Sure, he had sought out Hyunjin specifically because it was Jisung he liked, but did he actually need to know that? No. No, he didn’t. 

“Only if you tell me who you’re crushing on.” Hyunjin seemed to contemplate this for a second before he answered, 

“Yeah, alright, let’s not go there. But did you find this conversation helpful?”

“I did, yeah. Thank you.”

“Of course, hyung. Anytime.” Changbin stood up and was just about to leave the room when Hyunjin added,

“Good luck with Jisungie!” Changbin froze, and then started sputtering,  
“Wha- how did you-” but once again got interrupted.

“I didn’t actually know, I just guessed, really. But thanks for confirming it!”

“Well, good luck to you too, then. Don’t think I haven’t figured out who it is you like, too” 

“And who is it, then?” Hyunjin asked, voice laced with doubt. Changbin, however, only needed to shoot the other a serious look for him to shut up. This time it was Hyunjin’s turn to freeze and blush, and Changbin left the room with a victorious smile on his lips. 

 

**4: Depression**

Han Jisung was one of those people it was impossible not to love and adore. This was a fact Changbin had learnt very soon after he first entered the company. Although Jisung was a bit arrogant in the beginning, he had gotten over it quickly and shown his true colours instead. He was a boy who wore his heart on his sleeve, and he was always bright, open and cheerful. He wasn’t afraid to show his inner child and loved to play around with the other trainees, but he also knew when to be serious and always put 100% effort in whatever he was doing, whether it was dance training, rap practice, lyric writing or any of the million other things he juggled. He was a warm and kindhearted person who was always smiling, always energetic and cheerful, with a stage personality that contrasted so strongly with his regular one. Jisung being so open with his emotions was often a positive thing, with how much joy he spread around him, but this also lead to others often taking advantage of his kindness, leaving him hurt, and Changbin wanted nothing more than to protect him from all things evil in this cruel industry. He of course knew he couldn’t do that, though, and instead opted for simply being there for him as best he could. God, he was so fond of this boy. This fondness had once been purely platonic, but somewhere along the way he had fallen, and he had fallen hard.

The thing about Jisung being impossible not to love, though, was that it lead to him being so loved by so many, and occasionally, in some of his darker moments, Changbin felt that his own love for the younger was entirely unnecessary. He had a family who loved him as their son and brother, he had fans who adored him for who he was as an idol, there were trainees at the company who looked up to him, there were staff who liked him for being a pleasure to work with, and of course, the members of Stray Kids. These lost boys who had come together to form their own odd family, and they all loved Jisung in their own special way. 

There was Woojin, who looked out and cared for the members just as much as Chan did, albeit a lot more in the background. On days when Jisung didn’t take care of himself as well as he should, on days when he forgot to eat and take breaks because he was so immersed in what he was doing, Woojin would be there to place a snack and a bottle of water by whatever workspace or in whatever practice room he was using at the moment, as well as offer some words of encouragement or listening ears if needed. 

There was Minho, who Jisung had helped so much, and who had helped Jisung so much in return. Together they had built up a bond based on knowing that they could always depend on the other. Minho would turn to Jisung for help with his rap or for some silent support, he always knew the best ways to offer support. Meanwhile, Jisung would turn to Minho for help with his dance or if he needed someone to listen to his worries. The bond they shared was something very special, no one could deny that. 

There was Jeongin, their youngest who liked to make a big show of refusing everyone’s love, Jisungs’s especially, but they all knew how much he admired the elder behind the facade he put up. When no cameras were around, when no one but the nine of them were present, Jeongin was the one who became clingy and affectionate, as opposed to what was normally shown on screen, and Jisung was his favourite target. 

There was Seungmin, Hyunjin and Felix who he shared a very special bond with both because they were same age friends, and because the four of them just seemed to have a natural chemistry between them you often couldn’t quite see, but their used-to-be, up until blabbermouth Lee Felix spilled the beans, secret ‘00 line gossip meetings every Tuesday night told the rest of them all they needed to know about their bond. 

Seungmin was the one Jisung constantly bickered with, but it was all in good fun and they both knew that they always had a friend and confidant in the other, even if they rarely showed it in front of others. Hyunjin was the one that made Jisung calm down. Even extroverted and constantly energetic people like Jisung needed their peace and quiet sometimes, and for that he used Hyunjin as his getaway. In return he was the one who made laidback Hyunjin let loose and be hyper every now and then. Felix and Jisung were like two peas in a pod, and with Felix, who matched him so well, Jisung could 100% well and truly be his bright, slightly childish self, because Felix was just the same. 

And Chan, of course there was Chan. Their always trustworthy, dependable leader who always knew how to best care for his boys. The three of them also had something special as 3racha, the three of them who were a family before Stray Kids was even thought of, before they expanded their family to make room for six new members. Although he tried to be discreet about it, it was kind of an open secret that Chan actually cared for Jisung the most, lord knows that the younger boy needed it. Jisung was so good at taking care of others, but so bad at looking after himself, just like Chan, and Changbin was so grateful that Jisung had all these wonderful people to care for him when he couldn’t do it himself. 

Stray Kids all loved and adored each other so much, but Changbin’s mind was clouded with thoughts of Jisung. Even though they constantly picked on him on camera and he was portrayed as the annoying comic relief of the group, it couldn’t be farther from the truth. But, as much as it made Changbin happy to see the one he adored so much getting showered in love and affection by everyone around him, it also made him miserable. When he already had so many amazing friends, family members, to support him, did he even need Changbin’s love at all? Or was he just a waste of time, energy and space? Stupid, foolish Changbin, of course he had to go and unnecessarily fall for the boy who was loved by all. 

 

**5: Acceptance**

As human beings, we all reach a point in our struggles where we just accept whatever bullshit we’re dealing with, find a way to work through it and move on. For Changbin’s current problem, he was halfway there. He had come to terms with the fact that he very much liked Jisung in a not-so-platonic way, and he had also accepted that these feelings weren’t going away anytime soon. What he still did struggle with though, was how to work through the situation and move on. He realised that if they were to continue working together as 3racha and as Stray Kids for several years onwards it wouldn’t be good for him to have all these pent-up, unspoken emotions. There was also one other question occupying his mind: did he actually want to move on? 

Not very long ago Changbin would’ve done anything in his power to remove the feelings he harboured for Jisung, but now that he felt a bit more comfortable in his situation, he had started letting himself enjoy the way loving Jisung felt. Changbin rarely had crushes on people, had only experienced it maybe once or twice before, and even then it had never gotten to the point it had reached now. His past crushes had been short-lived, never lasting longer than a couple of months, and the feelings had certainly not been anywhere near as strong as the ones he felt for Jisung. Changbin suspected that he had actually started falling in love, and he was surprisingly alright with that. If anyone, why not one of the very best people he knew? 

After several weeks of twisting and turning his situation every possible way in his head, looking at it from every angle, Changbin had finally admitted to himself that it really was okay for him to have these feelings, and from then on, everything felt just a little bit easier. He started appreciating the warm, fuzzy feeling that spread all over his body when he was around him instead of seeing it as a nuisance, and he learnt how to see the beauty in wanting to wax poetics about his puffy cheeks and starry eyes and thousand-watt smiles instead of wanting to stuff those thoughts into the deepest, darkest corner of his mind. Changbin had never thought of himself as a romantic, always shunning the idea of possibly being like the main characters of cheesy chick flicks and k-dramas. He couldn’t stand the thought of one day having that one person he would gladly turn into a walking cliché for, but that day had arrived, and suddenly he didn’t mind it all that much anymore. He thought it crazy how much feelings could change a person, but now he understood, and he was alright with it. 

 

**+1: Joy**

Of all possible times Changbin’s life could take a drastic turn of events, he really didn’t expect for it to be on a seemingly regular, grey and rainy Thursday afternoon. It was a rare free day for the members of Stray Kids, and they had wanted to spend their precious time off outside, doing whatever normal boys their age did with their friends for once, but due to the weather they had opted for having a lazy day at the dorm instead. At first they had watched a movie and played some board games together, but eventually they all scattered to spend some time for themselves. Chan and Minho had decided to defy the rain in favour of going to the convenience store for some snacks, Woojin was teaching Jeongin how to play his favourite card game and the 2000 line were doing God-knows-what in their room. Changbin had long since learnt that it was best not to ask questions when it came to those four. Himself, he was in his room and reading a book, having some alone time for the first time in who-knows-how-long. He was all alone in the room, seeing as Chan was out and he hadn’t invited anyone else in, and he was really enjoying this moment of peace and quiet. As much as he loved his members, he did need a break from them and their hyperness every now and then. However, his tranquility didn’t last for all that long, because only about an hour and a half in he heard a knock on his door. He groaned.

“Who is it?” he called out, trying to sound as disinterested as possible. He really didn’t feel up to talking to anyone right now, unless it was that one special person. 

“It’s- it’s me, Jisung. I wanted to- t-to talk to you, but I c-c-can l-leave if you want, i-it can wait,” he stammered. Huh, this was rare. Jisung rarely sounded this nervous, and when he did, it was never around Changbin. But, he wasn’t about to turn the other away. After all, he was that one special person he had in mind. He put his book away and got up towards the door. He opened it and said in a gentle tone, 

“It’s all right, you can come in.” He stepped aside to let his friend enter the room. Jisung had a hesitant smile on his lips, and he seemed to contemplate whether he actually should go in or not for a second, but eventually he did. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked, voice still soft. He didn’t want to make Jisung even more tense than he already was. Jisung moved to sit down on Changbin’s bed, and he was suddenly reminded of his own talk with Hyunjin a couple of months ago. He really hoped this conversation wouldn’t go down the same path. He didn’t know whether he would be able to handle it if Jisung had sought him out for advice on his love life. The boy in question, still jumpy, grasped the sheets of the bed tightly in his hands in an attempt to calm himself down before he spoke up. 

“S-so I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, a-and I th-think I should let you kn-know that I- that I- th-that I-I…” 

“That you what, Jisung?” To hell with being calm and patient, Jisung being like this made Changbin himself really skittish. If he was about to get his heart broken today, he’d rather it be over quickly. 

“That I really like you! Like, really, really like you! As more than a friend! I might even love you! I don’t know! And I’m guessing you don’t feel the same, but I just- I just wanted you to know I guess…” Jisung yelled out the first part in a hurry, and when he quieted down, he curled in on himself just the way Changbin hated to see him doing, because it meant he felt insecure, and he started rubbing the nape of his neck in discomfort. He had even started trembling slightly, anxious to hear Changbin’s answer, but he was struck speechless- was he dreaming, or did those words really just come out of Jisung’s mouth? He pinched himself. Nope, he wasn’t dreaming, this was reality. His ridiculous feelings that he had been struggling with for some time now were, in fact, requited. He moved to sit down next to Jisung on the bed, and tried his best to not let it show that he hurt a bit inside when he flinched away a little. He never, ever wanted to be the reason for his discomfort. 

“I… I actually like you a whole lot too. Might even love you,” he spoke, voice barely audible, but just enough for Jisung to pick up on it. Changbin felt his heart swell up when his eyes lit up and his face broke out in that hopeful million-dollar smile he loved so much. 

“Really? You mean it? Really. really mean it?” Jisung questioned. 

“Never been more serious about anything in my whole life,” he answered. This made Jisung to giggle happily, in turn setting off a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. Now this was the boy he adored so much. Said boy then fumbled for his hand, and Changbin gripped it tightly in response. 

“Can I…?” Jisung started asking, but nervousness seemed to overcome him once again as he cut himself off and glanced down at Changbin’s lips instead. He got the hint, and answered, 

“You can.” Jisung scooted closer and tilted his head a bit to the side before leaning in and going for it. Changbin leaned in as well, causing them to meet halfway in a shy but sweet first kiss. If this was what loving Jisung was going to be like, he could absolutely live with it.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for sticking until the end, hope it wasn't too terrible!


End file.
